{ Thankful }

Today I am thankful for the certainty that I right here, surrounded by milky burp cloths and MegaBlocks, a perpetually-running clothes washer and two tiny humans who depend on me for pretty much everything, is exactly where I am supposed to be. Doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I also know myself well enough to know that this certainty is probably fleeting. Counters full of dirty dishes, or pine needles strewn across the floor, or a nap for Lainie that I deem "too short" may easily send me into a self-centered tailspin of I can't handle this! Life with two littles is too much! 

The truth is, I chose this. I wanted--and still do want--this. I begged God for years to let me be a stay-at-home mom if and when the time came for me to be married and have children. I was completely uninterested in dating any man who also did not hold this as a non-negotiable component of marriage. This has always been my biggest dream. But it is hard. So much harder, in reality, to be okay with this level of I'm-not-in-control...the tiny humans I created seem to be in charge instead.

But, this morning, I am okay with the clutter. With how loooooong it takes to do the simplest tasks with a toddler-helper and a baby who loves to nurse all.the.time. With the astonishing fact that we suddenly create a full load of dirty laundry every.single.day. {And the accompanying astonishing fact that it is well-nigh impossible to find time to fold said load of laundry. When did folding laundry become so hard?! And why?} So I am reveling in this certainty, frolicking in it, you could even say. Because it is delightful and, honestly, completely new and foreign to me to be so sure of the rightness of this while simultaneously looking out over a home full of unfinished tasks that I know I will not be able to complete anytime soon.

I'm thankful that Lainie woke up at the same time as me--even though I'm learning that my days are much smoother if I can at least take a shower, eat breakfast, and nurse David before she wakes up. I'm thankful for mountains of oatmeal, slathered in butter and brown sugar, and for the coffee Mike makes {and leaves for me} before I'm even awake. I'm thankful for Lainie's enthusiastic help with David's bath when it became apparent that all three of us were in dire need of bathing. For the smell of baby lotion and snuggly sling time while washing dishes. For food to eat, dirty dishes to wash, and hot water. For raindrops heavy on the roof and a cozy house. For a husband who works so hard to make this--this--possible: Me. Here. Doing these things. May I never take this work, this incredible and costly privilege, for granted.

These babies are my greatest work. And if the housekeeping suffers {it will} and the meals are less than gourmet {they are} and the hours are long and unpredictable {!!}, I am still so incredibly thankful and blessed to be here. Doing these things.

And since the tiny man is now making it clear that he is desperate for my attention, I'm going to give it to him!

{ Hard }

I don't want to admit it, but this season is hard and I just really want it to be over.

I'm always tired. If I nap when Lainie does, the amount of "stuff" I accomplish in a day {already not much} becomes infinitesimally small...and besides being tired, I feel like I'm drowning in little projects that either a} take sooooo long to do if attempted when Lainie's awake, or b} require Mike's help. I'm stuck between getting more sleep and getting less done--which is ironic because I'd probably have more energy--or being productive while Lainie naps, yet exhausted and/or comatose by midafternoon.

I know that in a few weeks I won't even remember most of the things that are driving me to tears on a daily basis now. Yet feeling like I am treading water with a growing unfinished project list is.driving.me.insane. I know it's the pregnancy hormones, I know if I weren't on the brink of the third trimester and parenting a toddler full-time I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. Honestly I could get most of this done in one or two days without those two limitations. Instead it's 9:45pm and I am blogging because I DID take a nap today, and now I'm hysterical because it's too late to break out the paint and fix all those dings in the wall from when we moved in. And you know, that must happen before Jellybean is born. Preferably before I wake up tomorrow morning and face yet another day with dinged up walls.

Is there any way we can possibly be really moved in, really settled, before this baby is born? Is that baseline I crave actually attainable? The one where all the windows that actually need window coverings have them, and all the safety latches are installed, and the furniture is where we want it, and all my jewelry isn't piled in a heap on top of our dresser? Is Lainie ever going to sleep through the night again? Pardon a little mommy rant: She has gone from sleeping 12-13 hours every night before we moved, to waking up about three times per night...every night...she's only slept through the night twice in almost two months. I did not at all expect this for my last few months before having a newborn...and it is so, so frustrating. I don't know how to help her. I don't know why she wakes so often--we've lived here for almost two months, so I don't think it's the transition/newness/change anymore. *deep, deep sigh*

I would like to close {well actually I wouldn't, I have a lot more to say on this subject but I have publicly whined more than enough for one night} by saying that this isn't all hormonal pregnant lady craziness, some of my urgency IS warranted. I recently discovered that the gorgeous blinds we got for our bedroom, which we both just love, are totally see-through when it's dark outside and lights are on inside. Like, if the neighbors happen to be in their backyard at night and a light is on in our bedroom, they can see EVERYTHING. Because there isn't a fence or anything between us and the neighbors on that end of the house. Now that makes me slightly freaked out. {Actually it makes me WAY more than slightly freaked out, but I am trying to remain calm and not hyperventilate right now as I think about it.} So I went and bought a curtain rod pronto, even though we were going to wait because curtain rods aren't cheap and our old bedroom curtains are not long or wide enough for the big bay window in our bedroom. Nonetheless I got this rod and I am determined to hang up our too-short-too-narrow curtains and cover that window, but this requires a certain amount of physical maneuvering that is difficult at this point in the pregnancy, and the use of power tools that I haven't used before, and have I mentioned that this is the kind of project that would be foolish to undertake while Lainie is underfoot? So I guess I'm going to bed AGAIN with naked windows. Someday...

For your viewing pleasure...because I took a picture earlier today while Lainie and I were making the bed and it was pretty outside...here is our bedroom window with those nefarious blinds.

It looks innocent enough, but there is quite a busy street behind that fence, and only about ten feet separates this end of our house from our neighbors' house. Really not the sort of environment for naked windows. I know that Mike will have time to put up the curtain rod very soon, and about three seconds after that I won't even remember how long I lived in this tortured state, but right now I'm here. Trying to work up the courage to go to bed. Goodnight.

{ Right Now: In My Head }

I'm not sure if life is really busier, or more overwhelming, or more stressful, or crazier than usual, or if it's just the combination of pregnancy = almost always feeling tired, being type A, having an undecorated house, and being an introvert thrust into a season of meeting new people and forging new relationships...but a lot of the time lately I certainly feel busier, overwhelmed, stressed, and a little crazy!

It's been just over a month since we moved, and while all the boxes are unpacked, the "new home" feel lingers as we tweak furniture placement and realize just how childproofed our condo really was, simply due to its small size. I'm still figuring out which grocery stores are closest, where the nearest parks and ATMs are and which freeway exits and entrances work best for going different places. While I long for all of this to feel comfortable and familiar and like home, it's also exciting. The newness. I think, if I were not simultaneously a) parenting a toddler, and b) nearing the third trimester, I would be reveling in this newness--it feels kind of like playing house when I was a kid, just after my Dad finished building our treehouse, or when my cousin and I finally finished the playhouse I grandly determined to build in the pasture behind the garden. It is fun and exciting. However, taking naps, and having at least one room that actually feels finished, and a meal plan that is realistic and doable with a curious toddler--these are also on my list of "fun and exciting things." You can see my dilemma, I hope.

I am trying to savor these days, hard as that sometimes is, because I know that in addition to hard they are also fleeting and sweet and oh-so-brief. Right now is when I can rock Lainie to sleep and read her endless books and work life around her nap schedule...because she's my only baby. She only gets to be "the baby" for a few more months, and then she's the big sister. These are precious, precious days of just her and me. Right now I hold Jellybean safe and secure in my belly all day, feeling his thumps and stretching exercises and getting much longer stretches of sleep at night than I will after he's born. Right now may involve cooking dinner with an adventurous almost-16-month-old, but at least I don't have to juggle a newborn too. Right now is freedom to nap whenever Lainie does. Right now is dreaming and planning about paint colors and kitchen remodeling with Mike. Right now may be harder than a couple months ago, but it's also super sweet mixed in with all the change and newness and exhaustion.

One of our favorite features in our new home is the enormous fireplace. It has the biggest firebox I've ever seen, and opens on both sides. {I'm also in love with the painted white brick, but Mike thinks it is a horrifying travesty and wants to un-paint it. I am therefore grateful that altering the fireplace surround, as a purely cosmetic undertaking, is pretty far down our to-do list! I'm curious, though: What do you y'all think about painted brick? Is it a yea or nay here?} I keep finding myself surprised that there is no hearth; we had a large hearth on our tiny fireplace at the condo, and I'm used to decorating it. Here, there are just two small nooks fairly high up on each side...nothing under the fireplace. Last Friday my parents were in town for a brief visit, and I took advantage of a few spare minutes to thread some leaves Lainie and I picked up at a park and make a couple garlands. They are already curling up quite a bit as they dry, but I really like the simple, striking touch of autumn they bring indoors.

 

Here's the "living room" side...No, I am not at all sure that a zebra print rug is right for this spot, or that it will stay, but it works for now!...

 

...and here is the "other" side. Sort of dining room, sort of not--currently nearly empty.

 

That's all for now, though maybe someday soon I'll download the last month's worth of photos off my camera and give you a peek into Lainie's world. Because that's pretty much all I take pictures of! ;-P

{ Taking a Breath }

We've been in our new house--this is the ninth day, I think?--and I am just now sitting on the couch {still un-slipcovered because a. Mike just found the second half of the slipcover in a box in his office last night, and b. Lainie is still terrified of the vacuum but I MUST VACUUM THE COUCH BEFORE I PUT THE SLIPCOVER ON, and I can't bring myself to vacuum during a nap and possibly wake her--do you see my predicament?!} with my feet on the coffee table {much too small for our new living room, but at least Mike put felt pads on the feet to protect the newly refinished hardwood floors} and feeling like maybe...just maybe...we will someday get this chaos under control. We've never moved an entire household before. I can hear some of you guffawing: How can they possibly count an 842 square foot condo as a legitimate "household"? That's 1/3 the size of many family homes these days! Nonetheless, when we got married 4+ years ago, each of us literally had a bedroom's worth of possessions, nothing more. Well, I also had a couch that a roommate gave me. But seriously. Four years + a toddler = way more stuff to sort through, pack, unpack, and put away. I don't even know how it's mostly done already, with all the Lainie-entertaining and feeding and we-must-go-to-a-park-NOW-or-I-will-lose-my-mind moments I've had.

But. Here we are. Lainie is napping, and I probably should be too. I've been more exhausted than I can even tell you, staying up way too late unpacking and then getting up at 7:00 {or 6:45, depending on the day} with my cuddly little alarm clock and furiously cleaning and organizing during her naps. It's not the greatest life plan for 22 weeks pregnant, I'll tell you that!

Please tell me I'm not the only OCD person who goes around wiping grime {perhaps imaginary--I am pregnant} off all the doors and light switches after moving. Or that I'm not the only person who has lived in a previously vacant house for over a week, with large swathes of multi-colored mold growing in both toilets, before cleaning the bathrooms. Or that we won't get a foot fungus from a week of showering in a bathtub whose state of cleanliness prior to yesterday is unknown.

Have I mentioned that there are no overhead lights in the living room, and for the life of me I cannot find the harp for our main lamp?! There's the lamp base, the lightbulb, the shade...and no harp. At this point I think there is only one box in our entire house that hasn't been opened on a quest for that harp, and I am about to go batty with that one bare lightbulb illuminating the living room. Oh, and all our lightbulbs have apparently decided to die--I keep frantically switching bulbs from less-important to more-important lamps, chiding myself for letting our stash run out and yet forgetting to buy more when I'm at the store.

Have I also mentioned how much I love my new washer and dryer? And my new fridge, which inconveniently doesn't fit in the kitchen {hint: don't let a pregnant woman measure the dimensions of the spot for a fridge!}. Or how much I want to join Lainie in Zzzzz-land.

That's her I hear waking up, so I've got to run for now. xo

{ Five Minute Friday: Mercy }

The thing about mercy is--I often don't know what it looks like. I know what I think it should be.

Certainly not closing on "our" house two days after we're supposed to move.

Certainly not staying at the house of dear friends {who are out of town and have offered their home to us} if we actually don't have a house to move into when we need to move out of our condo.

Certainly not emptying and cleaning our little nest for the renters who are moving in next week, while not knowing where we will live.

Yet I know all these things are mercies.

I don't know why things are appear to be working out so that our timing is just off enough that we may be semi-homeless for a few days. I don't know why it's taken so long for all this real estate/financing stuff to happen, why there have been unexpected curveballs thrown our way at the last minute and why we are questioning Should we even buy this house???

I do know that Jesus knows why all these things have happened and are happening. He alone sees all our lives, the beautiful tapestry that is all our stories being woven together, one day at a time. By His mercy, I am resting in His mercy that undergirds all the unknowns and seeming wrenches that have been thrown in our path. I know that this all works together for His glory and our good.

It's just that our good--and His glory--is turning out to look different than I expected. And that's okay, because I don't know the whole story. Only He can see how everything--everything--unfolds.

{ What's Been Going On }

Sorry for the silence lately, folks. There's been a lot going on, but there has been so much unpredictability regarding the main "thing" that I've been hesitant to mention it. We're buying a house. After--how long? at least 1.5 years--of looking around, putting offers on multiple houses, and nothing panning out, we found a house that we both really like, it's sort of in our price range, and our offer was accepted! {Cue the hysterical happy dance.} We first saw the house in mid-July, the weekend before Amaryah's wedding, if I remember correctly. "If I remember correctly" is a big "if," however, as being 19 weeks pregnant + chasing a newly-walking toddler around + packing + trying to squeeze daily life in between piles and piles of boxes in 847 square feet while keeping said toddler from seriously injuring herself on all these fun new "toys" is a wonderful memory-loss combination when you are already suffering from pregnancy brain.

There have been so many obstacles in this process...I will write about them someday, because it is an amazing testimony of God's grace and faithfulness. But I also want to get this published before Little Miss wakes up from her nap. :-) We are hoping to close next Wednesday, though until we sign the closing documents there is always the possibility that something will come up and the mortgage will fall through. We are moving next Saturday...either into the house, or in with Mike's parents {and renting a storage unit for our stuff} until we can find an apartment to rent that is close to Mike's work. Why move if you don't have a house to move into, you ask? Because, in order to qualify for this mortgage, we had to get renters for our condo. And since we have tenants moving in a few days after we move--wherever we move to--we most definitely have to move.

In a nutshell, that's what we've been up to, and why I've been a bit quiet lately. We only got boxes and started packing on Monday; before that we weren't confident enough about the whole process to start packing. While the thought of packing all our earthly possessions in less than two weeks {while keeping Lainie entertained and all of us fed} is daunting, it hasn't been as bad as I expected. We have never had to pack and move an entire household before--when we got married we each had only a bedroom's worth of possessions. Our small space and my purging tendencies have kept us from accumulating much, but I am nevertheless astonished at how much we have. I am so glad that we haven't been able to spread out over a larger home; I firmly believe that your possessions expand to fill the space you have. Which is why I'm also excited about "our" house--while it has four bedrooms and great living spaces, it's only 1460 square feet. So we can't acquire too much junk...right?

And now I'm going to continue stepping out in faith that the mortgage will go through and we will have a house to move into next weekend, and pack some more boxes!

{ Well, that was unplanned }

Thirteen days without a post! I'll have you know that I have a draft of a very respectable and oh-gee-don't-I-have-my-ducks-in-a-row post about how I made myself a chore chart and it's revolutionized my addiction to penchant for housework, and THEN my sweet mother-in-law gave me a book for Mother's Day. It's this book, which I've been wanting for months, and she didn't even know it but thought it looked perfect for me!

source

 

I started reading and I.can't.stop. I can't stop, folks! As a matter of fact, this book prompted my spontaneous decision to take down EVERY SINGLE PHOTO hanging on EVERY WALL in our entire home and start over. I will spare you the juicy details of how I traced templates of every single frame onto paper grocery bags, spent days tweaking the arrangement on the wall, and then conquered my fear of the level and created a gallery wall all by myself. {Or maybe I won't. It all depends on whether or not I ever get around to taking photos, editing them, and uploading them to blogger.} This book is also responsible for several new pieces of art made by yours truly and a new look for the bathroom. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that when your home is only 900-ish square feet, it starts looking "full"--too busy--really quickly. It doesn't take much decorating to make our living/dining room area feel "loud." I actually removed four photos from my new gallery wall the day after I put them up, and I'm in the process of editing down the rest of the decor to help "quiet the space." {Thank you, Nester, for that concept.}

 

My hope is to share photos, just because I'm so darn excited and happy with how things turned out, not because I think it's amazing or that y'all are dying to see it. But that does require me to remember to take photos when the light is decent, and then to have time to upload them and write a coherent blog post. I'll have you know {sheesh, second time I've said that today!} that I am putting off washing the dishes--perhaps till tomorrow--to write this post. You're welcome. You should feel special because I'm kind of addicted to cleanliness in the form of a clean, tidy kitchen.

 

There are heaps of photos on my camera that I want to share--Mother's Day with the cutest little chubby almost-11-month-old girl {can you believe that!!}, and other things that I can't even remember because they happened so long ago. Something about springtime and going on evening walks and spending afternoons at the park makes blogging take a back burner. This week has been cold and rainy, hence blogging is actually happening. ;-)

 

By the way, do you have any recommendations for good, enjoyable fiction for Mike or myself to read? We've finally squeezed in a wee vacation next month, just a few days on the Washington coast, and we want to read something fun and light while we're there, but we need suggestions! Think Robin McKinley-type stuff for both of us...plus L.M. Montgomery/Louisa May Alcott for me, and those crazy sci-fi books {Xanth, I think?} for Mike. Thanks bunches!

 

And now, I'm going to upload some of those photos before Little Miss wakes from her nap. Cheerio!

{ a letter to April }

Oh, April: You always enchant me. I'd like to think it's not just because you're my birthday month. Though I'm sure the presence of gifts around April 18 does enhance your allure.

You are so full of promise. You come bearing a little more sunshine, a little less rain, temperatures a few degrees higher than your predecessor, March. Sure, stiff breezes may skip through those sunny days; these golden sun-filled hours may be chillier than I expect; but I smell spring on your breezes. Cherry and apple trees literally burst into blossom, spilling their delicate, breathtaking extravagance into the air and onto the ground. You may not be full-blown spring here in the Pacific Northwest, but you bear the promise. You bring the first glorious lungfuls of fresh grass...rain-splattered warm air...cherry blossoms...apple blossoms...daffodils and tulips and that indescribable scent that whispers Spring is coming!

With your advent comes longer days. Oh sweet bliss of springtime sunsets, of waking with the sun instead of hours before its arrival. This, of course, also means that it's broad daylight when it's time for Lainie to go to bed. Which in turn means that her nursery is now decorated with the most unfashionable dark brown blanket clothespinned to the curtain rod. If anyone reading knows where I can find blackout curtains that aren't hideously ugly and prohibitively expensive, please do share. The fact that I prefer a fuzzy brown blanket over her window to the blackout drapes I've found speaks volumes to how ugly and expensive they are!

You also bring with you asparagus, and strawberries that don't cost a small fortune, and make me want to wear dresses and gallivant about with a crown of flowers in my hair. {The dresses bit the world can handle, the flower crown I think not so much.} Lainie and I have gone to the beach a couple of times in the past week, and if you continue to provide such lovely weather, I hope to haul us down there every day that I possibly can. Probably not on grocery day, because that task pretty much uses up all my schlepping abilities by itself.

Birthday cards are still rimming countertops. Gerber daisies are still perking up the dining table. Windows are opened as frequently as possible to let the fresh air come in and play. Oh April, you are good to us. I'm going to miss you, come May.

{ Spring Cleaning, Wardrobe Edition }

:: tulips Mike gave me last month, just because ::

 

Whenever I take my clothes to the consignment store and most of them are rejected...which is every single time...I'm torn between two conflicting emotions.

Should I be relieved that I'm getting rid of the "right" items--clothes that are definitely out of style--which is proved by the fact that they are not cute/trendy/etc. enough to be sold at a consignment store?

Or should I be mortified that I've been wearing clothes so frumpy and out of the loop that a consignment shop won't even attempt to sell them?

Which is it???

Ages and ages ago I stumbled across The Tiny Twig and her e-book, The No Brainer Wardrobe: Get Dressed with More Confidence and Less Fuss. I wanted it, but it wasn't until last week that I ran across her site again and spontaneously bought the e-book.

Perhaps it's that spring is in the air. Perhaps it's the fact that I haven't had a good purge in a long time {it's much harder to indulge in one's OCD idiosyncrasies when parenting an infant}. Maybe it's that over the past few months, I've noticed that I wear the same things over and over and over again. {This isn't bad, because I generally look good in the clothes I wear repeatedly, but it's been niggling at me that my closet is full of clothes I haven't worn in years--and not just because I was pregnant last year.} Maybe it's because I'm the same size I was pre-pregnancy, but I'm definitely not the same shape--my ribcage and hips appear to have permanently expanded, for example--and everything fits a little differently. Whatever the impetus, here I am, about a quarter of the way through The No Brainer Wardrobe, and I just took four paper grocery sacks full of clothes to the consignment store.

Three of them were rejected as un-sell-able.

Three!!!

That means 75% of my cast-offs were too ugly for the consignment store!!

What really shocks me, though, is how a lot of the clothes in those sacks made it through multiple wardrobe purges in the past. I can think of four items off the top of my head that I have worn one time each. One of those times was eleven years ago, and two of the others were about eight years ago. Sheesh! I've let guilt {I spent a lot of money on that or This was a gift} keep a lot of things I don't like and don't wear in my closet for years. Part of the "problem" is that I haven't changed sizes since I was about 14 years old; clothes that I no longer wear still fit, and I feel guilty for getting rid of them. And then there are the clothes I've loved and worn so much that they are getting tattered, but not quite dead yet, so I feel bad throwing them away, even though I don't wear them anymore because they are raggedy.

The great part--Mike especially will agree with this--is that there is very little, if anything, I need to buy. Isn't that crazy?! With all those unworn clothes removed from circulation, there still aren't really any gaps in my wardrobe. It's simply that the clothes I actually wear, the ones that look good on me and make me feel good, are no longer surrounded by lots and lots of clothes that I don't wear, that don't look good on me. I still have plenty of wardrobe. Maybe now getting dressed in the morning will be easier: I have a lot fewer choices, and I know that the options I do have are all ones I like.

So I'm okay with the consignment people not wanting my unworn clothes. I don't want them, either!

Have you got spring fever this year? What are you itching to do?

{ Five Minute Friday: Rest }

It's the nature of life, I suppose, when he has a job and a commute and I'm taking care of the home and our wee one and after that there's church, community group, family, serving opportunities, friendships--all manner of things and people vying for our time and attention. But I don't like it when I start to sound like a human calendar. When dinnertime conversation is

We need to make a decision about X

and

We've been invited to Y's party--do you want to go?

and

Are you having breakfast with Z on Saturday?

and

I need you to do this and this and this

I remember when we were first married, and Mike talked to me about how, for him as the provider working and fighting battles--both financial and otherwise--for us outside the home, it's important that our house is a sanctuary for him. A refuge, a place of rest and comfort and safety. And not just our home, but me. As a wife, one of my highest responsibilities is to be my husband's safe haven. His sanctuary. A restful person to be with.

Even though I'm not nagging--I'm pretty sure he'd agree--I realize that the way I've been interacting with him lately is more like a machine trying to get as much accomplished ASAP, rather than inviting his soul to rest when he gets home in the evening.

Honey, I'm sorry. Tonight, let's rest.

{ Five Minute Friday: Home }

Linking up here this week...

Home.

Hard to believe it's been nearly four years since I crossed the threshold from "spinster" to "Mrs." and started making a home with my man. A real live man, people!! This is not something I ever really thought possible! Hard to believe that for nearly four years, "home" has meant "small treehouse near the lighthouse." So much growth, learning, awful paint choices {followed by really good ones}, good memories, new life--so much is wrapped up in these four walls. I love this place, and I will be sad when it's time to move on.

But we won't be leaving our home: everything that really means "home" to us goes where we go. This treehouse has been the canvas for the home we've created with our lives, and our next dwelling is simply the next canvas. It will still be home. I firmly believe that Jesus knows exactly where we're going to live next, and when, and that it is perfectly suited for us. Just like all the homes I've known before.

The farm.

The houses where I rented a room from family friends.

The cozy apartment Lizett and I shared.

The house where Lizett, Colleen, Kristi and I did life together.

All perfectly suited to those particular seasons.

Because wherever He wants me to be, that is the perfect home for me.

{ What Mama Did }

Linking up with Lisa-Jo at Tales of a Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Friday. This week's prompt is not a word, but a phrase: What mama did. Ready, set, go!

 

~*~*~

  

 

The door was always open, pantry stocked, extra places set around the dining room table at a moment's notice. More evenings and noontimes and Sundays-after-church than I can remember, unexpected guests joined us for a meal, games, a movie, endless conversations around equally endless plates of snacks and desserts.

 

She's hospitable, my mama is. Never met someone who was a stranger, and no matter how tired she was, how exhausting the day had been, how sick she was of cooking, how unkempt the house was, she never turned someone away. Never decided not to invite someone over. Our house wasn't the biggest or nicest, and we definitely weren't the most exciting--but no matter.

Anyone was--still is--welcome.

 

Countless afternoons and overnights and mornings babysitting neighbor kids. A literally infinite number of meals. Hours upon hours cooking and talking and cleaning up and sitting and chatting with neighbors, friends, visitors of every stripe.

 

Now that I'm a mama {of just one, not four!}, I don't know how she did it--ran a household, a homeschool, and had time for all these people that she welcomed into her heart and home. Even though it seems daunting, I know this for sure: I want to be more like her.

 

 

 ~ my parents and I when I was a day or two old ~

{ On a Weekend in February }

It's been a good weekend, y'all.

Started on Friday evening, when we babysat Julia--our friends' daughter and the only other baby/kid in our Bible study group. Julia is two and a half months older than Lainie, and let me tell you: Watching them interact is a hoot.

Julia crawls. Julia crawls fast. Julia explores, licks, tastes, opens, closes, pushes and pulls rapidly and thoroughly. Julia jabbers and growls and eats with gusto.

Lainie sits and watches, shocked, as though there is an invader in her home but that invader might actually be a lot of fun but she's really loud and it's kinda intimidating that this moving-growling-other-baby apparently is more skilled at playing with Lainie's toys than Lainie herself is.

It was so much fun to see what the next stage is--what Lainie will probably be doing in a couple of months! And it made me realize how very un-child-proofed our house is. *sigh* I am not looking forward to childproofing. Though Lainie was a bit intimidated by such an active playmate in "her" space, I think they had fun together.

Saturday I got a haircut, but there are no photos yet so we aren't going to talk about it. At least not photos I'm willing to post on the internet. There are a couple self-portraits Mike and I took on our date {see below} but we both look slightly crazed and incredibly anemic, so just use your imaginations.

Saturday evening Julia's parents, Travis and Krissy, babysat Lainie for us so we could go on a date. Because we are so young and adventurous and full of excitement and don't go on dates as often as we should nowadays, we chose to spend our date night at home...making dinner...followed by a little TV.

I can't believe we are those people!!!

I mean, I can, and it's not all bad, it's mostly really really good, and I think all of our other dates post-baby we've gone out, so it was really nice to just chill at home, just the two of us, but still!

In our defense: Lainie has been so hard to get to sleep at night {usually crying off and on for a couple hours} that the idea of a nice, leisurely, quiet evening at home, relaxing and enjoying a really yummy dinner and uninterrupted conversation without keeping things at a whisper and taking turns getting baby back to sleep, seemed divine. And it was! We made homemade macaroni and cheese--one of my absolute favorite comfort foods--followed by oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies. I saw them in Pinterest and knew we had to make them--what could be more decadent than a mashup of our two favorite kinds of cookies?




 Be forewarned: These babies are monsters. I think we were a little generous with the cookie dough, but regardless, each "cookie" is the equivalent of two chocolate chip cookies plus an oreo. They are ridiculously dense and filling.

And the ultimate "eat it with milk" cookie. They were a fun experiment, but I don't think we'll make them again--too huge, and rich, and just too much. As a matter of fact, we gave half our batch of 12 away!

 

Then we headed to a restaurant to meet up with Mike's parents, sister Amaryah, and her fiance Lawrence. Yes, Lawrence finally popped the question on Friday night, and Amaryah said yes! {We had to make a little detour to Travis and Krissy's so I could feed Lainie, since she is refusing all bottles these days, but that is another story for another day.} We had yummy drinks {Mike and I were too full for anything else} and hung out and talked weddings and watched the ferries twinkling across the water. It was fun because it's the same restaurant where we went on our first date, and on the night Mike proposed--we could see the pier where he asked me to marry him from our table. We couldn't be happier for A + L and are excited to see them transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband and wife. And I'm excited to see what Amaryah comes up with for their wedding...she works as an event planner, so I'm sure it will be a really lovely affair.

 

And then Sunday: I managed to get Lainie and I to the 9am church service on time {Mike was already there since he helps with setup} and for the first time, Lainie stayed in the nursery for the whole service! Apparently she cried a lot, but not to the point where they had to call us to take her. It wore her out, though, and she fell asleep within five minutes of getting in the car.

 

Now it's just a nice, quiet Sunday evening. Baby Girl is playing with her food. Mike is working {still crazy busy for a week or two}. I am slowly whittling down the monstrous pile of dirty dishes that used to be our kitchen. I'm hoping the kitchen will be visible by tonight. Because somehow, we have to get to the fridge, and that leftover mac and cheese...

{ this + that }

Maybe you were hoping {dreading?} that this, my first "real" post since getting back from my trip, would be a delightfully longwinded and photo-heavy recap of our weeklong adventure in Idaho. But nay, it is not to be. Not today, anyway. There are a few hundred photos on my camera, waiting to be downloaded and edited...and that seems like a lot of work. So today let's talk about other things.

Liiiiiiiiiike...teeth! Lainie's first tooth popped through just before we went to Idaho, and two days ago its next-door neighbor showed up, too. We've been incredibly fortunate in the teething department so far: Her only "symptom" for the first tooth was crazy long naps. I'm serious. She slept that tooth through her gums! Second one, she woke up crying at night all.the.time {but only at night--not during naps}, to the point where she spent several nights snuggled next to me in our bed because that was the only way we could get her to sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. The child does snore, though, so regardless I haven't been sleeping much. I think I see the white nubbin of an upper tooth making its way down, so we may have more adventures coming up very soon.

Since our sleep was already all screwed up and disappeared, two nights ago I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to stop swaddling Miss E. I've been dreading this--putting it off for months--because I know that having her arms free to poke herself, knock out her binky, and in general wake herself up is going to be a nightmare. Stopping swaddling a baby who sleeps like a dream when swaddled flies in the face of the old adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." She ain't broke, but I knew that sooner or later we'd have to "fix" her. {Though I would've been fine with swaddling her till she's six years old if she'd let me...} And while "nightmare" might be a bit too strong a term, this whole sleeping unswaddled thing has definitely been rough. Yesterday she could not stay asleep for her afternoon nap. She was clearly exhausted and would fall asleep almost immediately when I picked her up, but she would wake herself up within minutes of me putting her in her crib. After two hours I gave up. I felt so bad for her: she looked so confused, tired, and frustrated. It was impossible to be upset with her...she so obviously wanted to sleep, but didn't know what to do with her newly-free hands. I kind of felt like a terrible mother at that point. The moral of the story is, I'm really thankful for what a good sleeper Lainie normally is, and am going to stop whining now.

By the way, is it just me being self-critical, or do I whine a lot about the tough parts of motherhood?? Honestly, tell me! Often I feel like my "mommy posts" are kind of whiny after I've written them. I don't mean them to be. I love my daughter, I love being a stay-at-home mom, and I want to be open and honest about both the joys and the challenges of this season. I start to question myself, though, when I compare myself to other mommy blogs. A lot of them seem so...cheery. Maybe it's just the blogs I frequent, but often I look at my blog and think, "Wow, I sure do complain a lot!" At the same time, I don't want to paint an unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood. So, do you think I'm a complainer? Or am I just keepin' it real?

K, I'm off to do things like make popcorn and knit and watch the second half of "Gone with the Wind." Why would I spend a perfectly beautiful, sunshiney Sunday afternoon inside? Because Mike is at work {thankyouverymuch, busy season at work...said no wife ever} and Lainie is napping--hallelujah!

{ Life Lately }

Life right now is really good...rich, and full, and good. I'm learning that life is always "good," because God is always good, regardless of my particular circumstances; but in this season, it's really easy for me to see and acknowledge that goodness.

 

I'm reading Romans--r e a l l y  s l o w l y. The gospel is so beautifully presented in that book. I'm letting it seep into the crevices of my soul, reading all the notes in the ESV Study Bible, and moving at a snail's pace. There is so much about the gospel that I didn't get--still don't get. Jesus is amazing. God's mercy and lovingkindness and forgiveness are amazing. God's pursuit of us, how He did everything to make it possible for us to have relationship with Him, floors me. I'm still reading Give Them Grace, and it ties in beautifully with Romans. All about the gospel and how that transforms parenting. Good stuff.

 

I'm excited to see what God has in store for us when we start house-hunting again, even if it's the decision to stay put longer. This treehouse may be little, but it's pretty sweet.

 

 

 

I am so thankful for coffee, cream, and sugar. Those three things in combination are like magic. More, please.

 

Last night I told Mike that I feel like I'm losing my mind. Every night is flippin' Groundhog Day: Lainie's tired. It's bedtime. Feed her. Change her diaper. Sing/rock her to sleep. 10-45 minutes later, she cries. Burp her. Reinsert pacifier. Lay her down. 5-10 minutes later she cries. Burp her. Reinsert pacifier. Sing/rock her. Lay her down. 5-10 minutes later she cries. And on and on and onnnnnnnn for 1.5- 3 hours. E v e r y  s i n g l e  n i g h t. We've attempted crying it out several times; once I think we let her cry for almost an hour and she was clearly getting more and more hysterical, not calming herself. I'm hesitant to try again, because 90% of the time when she cries at night, she has a legitimate need: burps. {That girl has more and bigger burps than anyone I know!} It's just so frustrating...and mind-numbing...to spend hours doing this every single night. And she goes to sleep just fine any other time of day!

 

I would really prefer that my sanctification take place in ways and at times that are more convenient for me, Lord.

 

Ummmmm....

 

I'm amazed that I am able to keep our house and clothes clean, cook reasonably involved meals, blog, and all those other little normal life things, on top of taking care of a little person. There was a period of some months after Lainie was born when I was really freaked out about, oh, everything. How am I going to do anything again?!! I'm lucky if the baby and I are both fed, dressed, and reasonably clean by 1pm--I'm never going to be able to cook or go to the grocery store by myself ever again! As Mike reminded me last night when I had my little meltdown, "this too shall pass." No matter how overwhelming any season with a baby seems while you're in it, in reality it doesn't last long.

 

I'm excited to start attending women's group again. I took a break after Lainie's birth because she was high-risk for whooping cough {especially with her slightly compressed right lung due to the hernia}, and whooping cough is epidemic in Washington. We haven't gone out much, period...and let's face it: I'm pretty much okay with that. I am a homebody. Always have been, probably always will be. I'm perfectly content in my nest. BUT not only will consistent fellowship with other women be great, just getting out of the house regularly will be good for us {and by that I mean me}. Going anywhere with a baby is such a production...I usually convince myself to stay home. It's not hard. And while that has curbed my non-grocery shopping significantly, it's not good for my mental/emotional/relational health. Helloooooo? We were just talking about how I think I'm going crazy every night!

 

Next weekend, Lainie and I are flying to Idaho for a week. I'm really excited to introduce her to family and friends she hasn't met yet, and to catch up with folks I haven't seen in over a year. The whole navigating an airport and flying alone with a seven-month-old? Yeah, I'm a little nervous, but overall I think it will be a fun adventure. I like flying and airports, remember? I will miss Mike dreadfully, and he looks forlorn whenever we talk about it, but I think he is secretly relishing the idea of being a bachelor for a week.

 

Hey, my mug's empty! Is there any coffee left?...

{ this + that }

When I saw Lainie's pediatrician last week, we came to the conclusion that Lainie's dairy intolerance symptoms are so incredibly mild that the only reason for me to continue abstaining from dairy is if I want to "prove" to myself that I can make her symptoms go away by not eating dairy for 4-6 weeks. I have no such desire to prove myself. Many babies start having difficulty digesting the proteins in dairy around this age, and over 90% of them outgrow it by 9 months of age, and it's not related to dairy allergies developing later in life {that's an inability to digest the sugars in dairy...different problem}.

In other news, there is nothing, NOTHING, like good old from-the-cow half 'n' half in my coffee. It is delicious.

I'm reading Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus and it is kicking my butt. I've said this before, but once again I feel like I'm understanding the gospel for the first time. I'm learning it in a completely new way, in my head and my heart, and it is so powerful, freeing, refreshing, sobering, lavish. Soooooo thankful that I'm learning about gospel-based parenting at the beginning of my motherhood journey.

I've been listening to these audio recordings of some of Elyse Fitzpatrick's presentations on repeat. Like literally, I'm on my third time through the first set of lectures. Love her way of presenting the gospel...Jesus is really speaking to me through her work.

I've spent the last couple weeks tweaking our furniture arrangement, and unfortunately I know want to buy an area rug, ottomans, and another lamp.{I already bought one lamp to replace the torchiere that died in October.} I shall not give in to these desires because a} we are probably moving this year, so I don't want to spend more $$ than I already have on decorating this home, and b} Mike just finished our budget for 2013 and I can't afford all that stuff. Which makes me sad and happy at the same time. Ahhhhh....budgets!

The hot glue has given way on two of my cork coasters, but I'm still having no luck getting crazy glue to work. How on earth do all these people do wine cork crafts?! I'm mystified!

Mike is going all Paleo/Whole30 this month, and as the family chef, I'm along for the ride. It's not too much more "extreme" than the Paleo-ish way of cooking I've been doing for the past few months. I've found some really tasty recipes, the only drawback being that we appear to eat larger quantities of food when it's all veggies, meat, and fruit.

It seems that all my posts lately end with me saying that Lainie's waking up from her nap and I've gotta run...maybe that should be my new tagline!

{ Resolutions }

It appears that in order to be trendy and "in" with the rest of the world's bloggers, I need to choose a word that defines what I hope to be/do/embrace more fully in 2013. Though I've always wanted to be trendy, I've never quite hit the mark--really, when you were homeschooled in Idaho, you are so far removed from "trendy" that I don't think you can ever catch up in a normal lifetime. ;-) Then I think I ought to set some goals, but how to choose? How can I even try to predict what I can realistically accomplish in the coming year?

But intentional growth and change are good things. Goals are good, when they don't become gods. I've been mulling this over, and here's what I've come up with. My hopes for 2013.

I want to enjoy the life God has gifted to me: Enjoy my husband. Enjoy my baby. Enjoy being a homemaker and stay-at-home wife. Enjoy the juggling of cooking and cleaning and errands and friendships and grocery stores with a tiny, wiggly baby girl in tow. Enjoy middle-of-the-night nursing and snuggles, hours on the floor playing with rattles and taggies, because she is already growing up way.too.fast. Enjoy our small home, with its minimal upkeep and the fact that I can clean our whole abode in minutes and re-decorate the whole place in an afternoon.

I want to read more--not just anything, good stuff that will nourish my soul and stretch my mind. I've already started Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus by Elyse Fitzpatrick & Jessica Thompson, and I really want to read this and this, too. Any suggestions on what I should tackle next? Crazy Love? Something by John Piper? Re-read Anne of Green Gables?

Speaking of enjoying the life I have--rather than wishing for some nonexistent reality where I have time to blog in leisure--Little Miss is awake!

{ A New Look }

A couple of nights ago, I was lying in bed after a 3am feeding, drifting off to la-la land, when I started seeing images in my head of the furniture in our living and dining room, arranged differently. I thought something along the lines of This will help me fall asleep and promptly set about re-arranging our living space in my mind's eye. It was fun and it did help me fall asleep. This went on for a couple of nights, always as I was falling asleep in the wee hours--that sounds really weird now that I'm reading it typed out, but don't worry, I firmly believe it was the Holy Spirit. Yesterday I had a splitting headache all day and meant to take a nap when Lainie slept in the afternoon, but by now I was itching to move sofas, so instead I spent an hour shoving very heavy furniture around a very small area. After all, we are still planning on moving in the next few months, so I have limited time to play around with this home of ours...and for someone who reads multiple design blogs, I've done very little to change up our living spaces since we got this furniture. By the time I was done, I wasn't sure if I liked it, so I decided to take myself up on the offer of a nap and laid down. Fifteen minutes later, Elaina woke up, so the two of us tweaked things some more and eventually I was satisfied and...dare I even say it?...actually quite pleased. As the hours passed, I began to really like this new arrangement. Of course I didn't take before pictures. Maybe you remember what things looked like?

 

This is where the dining table used to be. I can't believe I'm posting these pictures...look at our crooked gallery wall! I drug both sofas into this spot, one after the other, to see which fit better. And then I had to push the {ridiculously heavy} sideboard down a foot so it wasn't covered up by the sofa.

 

The dining table switched spots with the sofa. It fits perfectly next to the fireplace. Here's the amazing thing: This arrangement makes our whole condo feel about three times bigger! Our living space is now one big open area, instead of being clearly separate dining and living areas. It feels so much bigger and more open. The only drawback is that the sofas aren't near each other, so if we have company and sit on the sofas we'll have to crane our necks and yell.

 

More tweaking is in order: the bookpage wreath needs to be moved up and over a bit, so it isn't running into the lamp on the table. And we definitely need to replace the torchiere that died a couple months ago. With no ceiling lights in the living room, it's quite dim. The twinkle lights are doing all they can, but they're just twinkle lights!

 

I was nervous about Mike's reaction, and he was quite startled when he walked in the door. After a few minutes, though, he proclaimed that he liked it...he liked it a lot.

 

Just for kicks, here's our Christmas tree. I love the wrapping paper I found at HomeGoods--lovely teal and silver Christmas trees and coral printed on white paper. And a Mason jar full of twinkle lights? Yes, please!

 

I probably won't have a chance to post again before Christmas, so Merry Christmas everyone!

{ Finding Balance }

Every Christmas I struggle over how to keep my focus on Christ. It's so easy to get caught up in trying to do every Christmasy craft that catches my eye on Pinterest, baking and candymaking, parties and carols and so much bustle and clamor that I often arrive on December 25 feeling breathless...and ashamed. Realizing I have literally not spent any time thinking about the Incarnation or preparing my heart for Christmas. And then I get frustrated: Christmas is about Christ, and here I've been worrying about whether or not I made enough fudge, if it will be funky by that party, when are we going to put up lights, when to brave the mall to get that gift, etc.

As a married couple, Mike and I have tried to place a high priority on Jesus' incarnation instead of the materialism that seems to just explode this time of year. Now with a little one, we are continuing to be intentional about centering the Christmas season around Jesus. {Not having a TV and not going to the mall in December make it easy to miss a lot of the commercialism, but boy do I ever do an excellent job of coveting and comparing via the internet!} Mike and I also have a handful of nice Christmas traditions we've established, and as our family grows and changes, we want to continue incorporating them into the holiday season--as long as they remain meaningful and fun. We've been talking about our expectations and how activities and traditions will be different with a five-and-a-half month old baby in tow. Add to that the fact that Mike is very busy at work, so time and energy are precious commodities. Suffice it to say, turning my heart toward Jesus instead of "stuff" and molding our plans to fit around Lainie's needs has proven to be an exercise...but a rewarding one!

In spite of Thanksgiving being a week early, Advent still snuck up on me, and I found myself putting together our muffin tin Advent calendar on November 30th. In years past I've written a different little activity for us to do each day, ranging from "Buy festive lattes on the way to church" to "Put change in a Salvation Army bucket" to "Find mistletoe...xoxo." This year, I knew it would be stressful to have a daily "assignment." Instead, I wrote prompts for each day to help us remember the gifts Jesus has given us, like

 

A gift you can see

 

A gift you can taste

 

A gift that's alive

 

A gift that you didn't expect

It only takes a minute or two to read the day's prompt and share with each other specific gifts we're thankful for. I also sprinkled an activity in every few days, like having candy cane cocoa and burning a Christmas CD...things that are easy and we to want to do anyway.

Speaking of Christmas CDs, every year that we've been married, Mike and I have spent an evening perusing carols online {iTunes? Zune? I don't know} and taking turns picking 12 songs to burn onto a CD. This year's album is by far the most lackluster. I've listened to it a couple times, and it's like we didn't even try--it is boring, my friends. Boring. Probably because we were both hallucinatingly tired and juggling a wiggly baby between us. Better luck in 2013?

And speaking of Advent...I tend to be a legalistic nitwit about it: We have to do the readings daily, and if we miss a day, we must catch up. The reality for us this year is that many weekdays, we have very little time together. Mike leaves for work before I get up in the morning; he's super busy and sometimes has to work from home in the evenings. We are still trying to convince Lainie that her bedtime is before 10:30pm; so we frequently spend a couple hours each evening in that continual exercise of endurance, patience, and about-to-fall-off-the-cliff-of-insanity known as "putting the baby to bed." So we read our Advent devotional, Ann Voskamp's Jesse Tree Journey, together when we can, and I keep up with it during my quiet time. Just cuz we can't do it daily as a family doesn't mean we can't do it at all...or that I can't do it on my own.

A couple weeks ago we went to Wights, a local nursery/garden store that goes whole hog for Christmas, to buy The Ornament of 2012--another tradition. I wore Lainie in the Baby Bjorn, facing out, and I think she stuck her arms straight out like a happy octopus the entire time, trying to touch everything.

 

:: we both look frightened...charming. ::

And can I just say that after having a 12 pound baby in a Bjorn, I am sooooooo glad I spent the money to buy an Ergo--my shoulders were killing me after a few minutes, but I can wear her in the Ergo for hours without pain. Seriously, if you're gonna wear your baby, an ergonomically correct carrier is worth the money!!

And that's how we're trying to find balance this Christmas season. Trying to choose things that turn our hearts toward Jesus, bring us together as a family, and resist the pressure to make this just another commercialized spending extravaganza. Jesus gives us Himself. He is all we need.

{ Help, My Fingers are Stuck Together! }

My glue gun and I have been busy during naptime.

 

Don't kid yourself...it's taken me over a week to finish these two super easy, super fast crafts. And that's even with leaving dirty dishes piled on the counter and little bits of leaves and grass stuck in the carpet for days. Never take for granted all the free time you have before babies--even if it doesn't seem like much, it is PURE GOLD! Even if it's only 15 minutes at a time!

 

First off, we have a book page wreath {tutorial here}. I was itching to do a new wreath, and have been toying with how to fill up the blank space on this wall for awhile. I tore apart on old wreath and used the wreath form, and I already had an old thrifted copy of Little Women that was torn up from a previous project. I used a red satin flower from the old wreath {tutorial here} and made a green felt flower {tutorial here} to add some festive flair. The only thing I had to buy was more glue sticks for the glue gun!

 

 

 Next up, wine cork coasters. Mike and I have saved the corks from most of the wine bottles we've opened since our dating days. Some are displayed in vintage canning jars, but the collection is starting to get a little out of hand. We're always short on coasters when we have guests, so I whipped these up in a jiffy. They are plenty big enough for even a giant coffee mug to rest comfortably. and they are surprisingly stable. It was fun to pick out the most visually interesting corks and arrange them so that the ones with bigger patterns were on the outside, so more of the cork "art" is visible on the finished coaster.

 

 

You can see the glue up close, but I don't really care. I'm also not sure how well they will hold up, especially with repeated exposure to hot beverages. A tutorial I saw online said you HAVE to use crazy glue, NOT hot glue, but I tried that and the corks refused to stick together. Go figure.

 

Christmas is only two weeks away! Can you believe it? I'm guessing these will be the only "Christmas" crafts I do this year, but that's okay because in a condo this small, it doesn't take much "stuff" to decorate for the holidays!

 

What have you been making lately?