{ Thankful }

Today I am thankful for the certainty that I right here, surrounded by milky burp cloths and MegaBlocks, a perpetually-running clothes washer and two tiny humans who depend on me for pretty much everything, is exactly where I am supposed to be. Doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I also know myself well enough to know that this certainty is probably fleeting. Counters full of dirty dishes, or pine needles strewn across the floor, or a nap for Lainie that I deem "too short" may easily send me into a self-centered tailspin of I can't handle this! Life with two littles is too much! 

The truth is, I chose this. I wanted--and still do want--this. I begged God for years to let me be a stay-at-home mom if and when the time came for me to be married and have children. I was completely uninterested in dating any man who also did not hold this as a non-negotiable component of marriage. This has always been my biggest dream. But it is hard. So much harder, in reality, to be okay with this level of I'm-not-in-control...the tiny humans I created seem to be in charge instead.

But, this morning, I am okay with the clutter. With how loooooong it takes to do the simplest tasks with a toddler-helper and a baby who loves to nurse all.the.time. With the astonishing fact that we suddenly create a full load of dirty laundry every.single.day. {And the accompanying astonishing fact that it is well-nigh impossible to find time to fold said load of laundry. When did folding laundry become so hard?! And why?} So I am reveling in this certainty, frolicking in it, you could even say. Because it is delightful and, honestly, completely new and foreign to me to be so sure of the rightness of this while simultaneously looking out over a home full of unfinished tasks that I know I will not be able to complete anytime soon.

I'm thankful that Lainie woke up at the same time as me--even though I'm learning that my days are much smoother if I can at least take a shower, eat breakfast, and nurse David before she wakes up. I'm thankful for mountains of oatmeal, slathered in butter and brown sugar, and for the coffee Mike makes {and leaves for me} before I'm even awake. I'm thankful for Lainie's enthusiastic help with David's bath when it became apparent that all three of us were in dire need of bathing. For the smell of baby lotion and snuggly sling time while washing dishes. For food to eat, dirty dishes to wash, and hot water. For raindrops heavy on the roof and a cozy house. For a husband who works so hard to make this--this--possible: Me. Here. Doing these things. May I never take this work, this incredible and costly privilege, for granted.

These babies are my greatest work. And if the housekeeping suffers {it will} and the meals are less than gourmet {they are} and the hours are long and unpredictable {!!}, I am still so incredibly thankful and blessed to be here. Doing these things.

And since the tiny man is now making it clear that he is desperate for my attention, I'm going to give it to him!

{ Jellybean Jellybean! }

I am almost 30 weeks pregnant, and it's not just that I haven't blogged about it much...I feel like I haven't thought about it much. Between parenting a toddler, two stressful months trying to buy this house, moving, and then unpacking, changing churches, finding a new women's group and a new community group and just generally starting from scratch in so many areas--while still parenting a toddler and realizing that I have a really hard time living in "unfinished" spaces, but lack the time/energy/money to instantly make this house "ours" in all the ways I want to--well, let's just say that this pregnancy has flown by. In some ways it seems like that day in May when I took a pregnancy test was a lifetime ago. And yet, if Jellybean follows his sister's footsteps and arrives 2+ weeks before his due date, we could have a newborn eight weeks from now. THAT, my friends, is hard for me to believe!

 

Oh, I didn't tell you?...

 

We had the 20-week anatomy ultrasound on September 17, the day before we closed on the house and moved in. Mr. Jellybean is happy and healthy; no abnormalities. We weren't expecting to find anything wrong, and while Lainie's 20-week ultrasound was also perfectly normal, Mike and I aren't fearful that something will crop up. The blissful, naïve assurance that a normal 20-week ultrasound is a 100% guarantee of a healthy baby is gone, but we aren't worried. It was reassuring, and we trust Jesus with Jellybean's health and development. We might get a non-diagnostic ultrasound in the next few weeks if we can schedule one, just for fun, but it's not a big deal if it doesn't happen.

 

He was curled up in the coziest little ball for most of the exam, his head and hands and feet all mixed up with each other. He was playing with the umbilical cord, which the tech said babies often do, and practicing breathing and just generally pretty chill and obviously quite comfy. The ultrasound measurements put Jellybean in the 93rd percentile for size {Lainie was usually in the 30s to 50s, if I remember correctly}. I found that hilarious, because my bump was/is pretty small. Even up till a few weeks ago, there were times when it was really hard to tell I'm pregnant--especially when I laid on my back, I didn't look pregnant at all. {Just FYI: That is no longer the case.} Our midwife, after feeling Jellybean and measuring me, is skeptical: "This is not a 93rd percentile baby. I've felt a lot of big babies, and this is not one of them. I'd guess he'll be about seven pounds." I'm inclined to agree with her assessment--especially since every.single.person. who asks how far along I am/when I'm due, is flabbergasted that I'm not bigger!

 

Take a look for yourself:

:: weeks 17, 18, 22, 23 ::

 

:: weeks 24, 26, 28, 29 ::

 

I have a couple of observations about these "bump progress" photos.

1. It appears that some weeks, my butt grows more than my bump.*sigh*

2. You can definitely tell which days were rough...or which days were preceded by rough nights. ;-)

3. I sincerely hope that if and when he looks at these photos, Jellybean doesn't think that we didn't love him as much because of all the weeks we forgot to take pictures. Honestly, we forget!

 

With Lainie, the placenta was attached to the front of my uterus, providing lots of extra padding between her and me, so I rarely felt her move. This time the placenta is at the top of my uterus, so I feel Jellybean moving a lot compared to his sister! That doesn't necessarily mean he is more active--though it's possible--just that his placenta is in a spot where it doesn't prevent me from feeling him moving. Like Lainie, he doesn't move much when I am active, but he really goes to town if I sit or lie down for awhile.

 

On Sunday I dug out my notes from our childbirth class and my hypnobirth book, and then our doula came over for dinner and a chat about Jellybean's birth, and suddenly having a baby is seeming a whole lot more real. I'm not necessarily feeling more prepared--but is anyone ever really ready for their life to be exploded by a newborn?--but it's seeming a lot more real. Suddenly...I don't really know how or when it happened...but we are almost in the home stretch!

 

To close, here is a sweet little picture of my girlie wearing my scarf {any type of dress-up means putting the item around her neck} and blowing a kiss.

{ Elaina: 16 Months }

Dear Lainie,

 

You are sixteen months old, and I don't know where the time has gone! You are a chubby-cheeked toddler who is constantly trotting around the house, pointing and making insistent noises at things you want, babbling nonsense baby words nonstop {many variations on "dada" constituting a large portion of your vocabulary}, and still super snuggly when you are tired or not feeling well. You have grown and changed so much the past few months, and with the whirlwind of moving and the tiredness of growing your baby brother, I feel like I've already forgotten so much. I definitely haven't remembered to take as many photos!

 

So here are some snapshots of you now, sixteen-month-old Lainie Rae. Tomorrow I will wake up pinching myself for not remembering this or that, I'm sure!

 

:: old-ish photo...taken just before we moved ::

 

You love to pretend to talk on my phone, which you also call Dada. I turn on the screen {a photo of Daddy holding you the day after you were born} and you jabber away. Actually, anything suffices as a phone in a pinch, from your own hand to a spoon, doll, or sippy cup. If you're playing with my phone and the screen goes to sleep, or if you somehow unlock it and get into a program, you immediately march over to me moaning, "Oh no no no no no!" through pursed lips.

 

"Oh no no no no no no"--repeated ad infinitum, with your mouth half-closed and your brow furrowed, is your new phrase of choice. It may be used to announce that you are bringing me a book from the bookshelf you're not supposed to touch, or that you dropped something, or that you got into the text messages in my phone. Whatever disaster precipitates the announcement, you definitely understand that "no no" means bad things.

 

Your most-used word is still Dada, which applies to anything and everything you desire. Including me. If I ask you to say Mama, you grin and yell, "Dada!" Mama is reserved for the most dire of emergencies, when you really need to get my attention.

 

You know how to say dog {doh}, duck {duh}, ball {ba-ba}, bubble {buh-buh}, Bible {by-buh} and maybe cat...I can't remember, I haven't had a nap today...

 

Your hair is getting thicker and longer, especially in the back, and you are in love with the little clip on hairbows I got you last week. You ask for them {by pointing} if you see them, and when we get dressed in the morning, if I ask you if you want a hairbow, you get a huge grin and point at them. They don't always stay in for long, but they are well-loved.

:: wearing your friend Julia's headband when we stayed at their house, between moves ::

 

You are a lot more interested in the dishwasher now than you were before we moved. You enjoy helping me unload the silverware, but you're especially fond of gathering a few toys on the open dishwasher door and sitting with them while I clean up the kitchen. It's such a nice spot to swing your legs and read a book!

 

The last few days you've started singing. A lot. For a month or two, you've cradled your milk cup in the crook of your arm at every single meal and rocked back and forth, splitting into the biggest grin when I start singing "rock a bye baby" or "twinkle twinkle little star." It seems you think you are rocking your milk to sleep. I'm serious. You do this at every single meal--and now you know enough of the tune that your baby syllables are recognizable snippets of twinkle twinkle or rock a bye baby.

 

 

 

Ever since you were born, we've sung Jesus Loves Me to you as your lullaby. You sing bits of it now too, including the word "Bible," which is quite possibly the sweetest thing ever!

 

You are also quite interested in your dollies, frequently carrying one or two of them around and very sweetly swaying back and forth and singing to them.

 

You weaned yourself at 15 1/2 months. For a month or more, you'd only been nursing once a day, first thing in the morning--which I was happy to let you do, since it meant long sleepy snuggles in bed with me. But one morning two or three weeks ago, you made it clear you wanted your binky while we snuggled...and that was that. It was much easier and less stressful than I anticipated; ever since you've never asked to be nursed or even expressed interest. It's still such a bittersweet milestone! Every day it becomes clearer that you are a toddler, not a baby, and while toddler Lainie is sweet and precious and hilarious and so much fun, I miss baby Lainie. I suppose this is how parents feel about every one of their kids' stages in life.

 

In the past few days, you have also taken the initiative {read: Elastigirl arms can reach ridiculously far onto the table} to start feeding yourself with a spoon. Your skill and aim is MUCH better than I expected--you actually hit your mouth with almost every bite!! A fair bit of yogurt/applesauce/etc. still ends up on your face, the spoon is usually upside down, and half the fun seems to be "mixing" whatever food is in the bowl, but you are doing really really well. And so far, you seem to be right-handed.

 

 

 You still take two naps most days, though missing your afternoon nap is no longer the catastrophe it once was. Morning naps are leisurely affairs, often 2-3 hours.

 

Your favorite place in the house is the garage...in place of that, you will gladly trot up and down the sidewalk as long as I'll let you. You are also quite enamored with the neighbors' cats, Daisy and Theodore.

 

:: one day as I unloaded groceries from the car, you carried a bag of coffee up and down the sidewalk, stopping to sit on the stoop and talk to and pat the coffee with each trip ::

 

 

There is so much more I could say, but this post is already pretty long.

 

Love you Lainie Bug,

Mama

{ Jellybean }

Since I am 17 weeks pregnant--almost halfway there!--I guess it's high time I did a little pregnancy update.

This pregnancy has been so very different than my first: Perhaps most noticeably, I've only thrown up six or seven times...total. This, people, is phenomenal and wonderful and most unexpected and the BIGGEST blessing ever!! With Lainie, I threw up two or three times a day up until 14 weeks.  Basically, if I was awake, I was nauseous. I fully expected that with #2. This time, I've still been nauseous a lot {though much less than with Lainie}, and I've only puked a few times. But now at 17 weeks, I still have periods of nausea that I don't remember having at this stage with #1. Brushing my teeth makes me gag every time, and sometimes a little cough sends me into a spell of dry heaving. I think I'm finally over the "ohmygosh I could sleep standing up, every day, at any time of day, no matter how much sleep I've gotten!!" weeks. Growing a baby is an amazing experience, a privilege I hope that I don't take for granted or skim over in the midst of these "light and momentary" physical afflictions that come along with a human being growing inside me.

How far along: 17ish weeks

Weight gain: In the normal range...but I think I'm gaining faster than I did with Lainie. Probably because I didn't spend the first 14 weeks barfing.

Belly: Unfortunately the "baby belly" still looks exactly the same as the "I eat too much and have never done a sit-up belly." I've definitely lost my waist and have a little poochy tummy, but it doesn't look like a pregnant tummy yet. Just a fat one. I can't easily cross my arms when I'm sitting down, either--it's uncomfortable to lay them across my belly.

Baby size: About five inches, head to bottom, and about five ounces. The size of an onion...the weight of a turnip...the length of an iPhone...take your pick!

Sleep: Started using a pillow between my knees/under my tummy a week or so ago, and it makes sleeping so much more comfortable! Again, I feel like I was further along in my pregnancy with Lainie before I needed pillows to help me sleep...and what's this nonsense about waking up twice a night to pee? Already? Really, Jellybean? You only weigh five ounces and you jump on my bladder at night...

Clothes: Thanks to the fact that a lot of my wardrobe consists of stretchy skirts, dresses, and leggings, I'm still in my regular clothes 95% of the time, though the stack that doesn't fit anymore is growing rapidly. And I have to confess: I haven't worn jeans in weeks, and most of my shorts are un-buttonable. So really, when I say "regular clothes," I mean regular stretchy/non-jeans clothes. I got out my maternity clothes last week because I was desperate for some new shirts, but I'm waiting as long as possible to wear them...those few tops and one pair of jeans will get old really fast!

Movement: I first felt Jellybean move at 15 weeks. {I didn't feel Lainie until 18 weeks.} As with Lainie, I spent a few days thinking, Is that gas or Jellybean?, but once I was sure it was Jellybean, I realized that most of those flutters and pops I'd felt earlier were not gas. ;-)

Exercise: Ummmm.....this week I went on a walk with a girlfriend that involved pushing Lainie in a stroller up a mountain, but other than that, not much.

Wedding rings on or off: On. {My fingers didn't swell much 'til about the last month with Lainie.}

How am I doing mentally and emotionally: This week I've had a couple episodes of momentary panic when I've realized I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy and we haven't done anything baby-related. I haven't given a thought to any kind of additional gear we will need {like a second crib--helloooo!--or a toddler carseat for Lainie}, or birth prep {do I want to try hypnobirth again?}. Are we totally underpreparing ourselves for this baby, because we're so busy and hey, we've done this before? Or am I just less OCD than I was the first time? A few people have asked me, too, if I'm nervous or worried that this baby will be ok, given that Lainie had a diaphragmatic hernia. Jesus has given me complete peace about this baby, and up until a week or two ago, I could honestly say I had not been worried at all about this baby's health. Then I had a couple days of being sure that some serious anomaly is going to be found on the ultrasound. I spent a lot of time crying out to Jesus for peace, and He met me really sweetly. It's hard to describe--it's not an assurance that this baby will be healthy, though truthfully my fears are gone and I do believe he or she will be healthy. It's an assurance that goes deeper: that if this baby does have any health problems, Jesus will be with us there too. He can, and will, totally redeem that kind of situation if it happens.

Looking forward to: Actually looking pregnant instead of like I just eat too much dessert.

Best moment this week: Seeing Lainie learn to walk--her skill, and even more obviously her confidence, are growing rapidly! The past couple of days she has even walked away from me, toward an object--a big deal for her when she usually walks from one person to another.

Food aversions: None really...I'm still not a huge fan of meat that I've prepared, though.

Food cravings: Fresh fruit {it's all I've wanted through this pregnancy}. Grinders from Portofino. Chocolate milk.

What I miss: Sleeping through the night. Not being tired all the time. {I mean all.the.time. Most days I sleep during part or all of Lainie's morning nap--I am seriously a snoozing machine.} Having a nice drink when we go on dates. Not gagging when I brush my teeth. Having energy to do things besides activities of daily life.

And then I remind myself: It's ok that I don't have energy, that I'm not doing XYZ. I'm growing a baby! THAT is a big deal!!

:: Weeks 4, 5, 8, and 10 ::

:: Weeks 13, 14, 15, and 16 ::

:: Week 17 ::

 

{Last week a friend commented that I wear a lot of stripes, which I agreed with...but until I looked through these photos today, I didn't realize the extent to which I wear "a lot" of stripes. Whoa Nelly!}

{ Slices of Summer, Part I }

I've been sporadic in my blogging this summer, preferring to spend Lainie's naptimes snoozing myself. Here is some photographic evidence of what we've been up to this summer.

 

 

:: playing at the park ::

 

:: playdate with Violet, my former coworker's daughter who is 22 days older than Lainie ::

 

:: Lainie's first gyro, on our way to the Washington coast in June--yum! ::

 

:: At the local farmer's market, slightly worried about how cold her first ice cream bar is! ::

 

:: Date with Mr. Mike...you know it's good when it ends with gelato :-D ::

 

:: She really wanted this trike from a consignment store. {Doesn't her expression look like she's thinking about how she can convince me to buy it?!} ::

 

:: Very serious about occupying this chair at the coffee shop ::

 

:: She's really into putting things on her head/neck lately. Good thing this was a clean diaper. ::

 

:: Playing in the dishwasher ::

 

:: On this particular afternoon at the pool, she preferred wearing her {new} flip flops and eating goldfish crackers to getting in the water. By the way, goldfish crackers are her new obsession. ::

 

:: Ahhhhh....the day she discovered Daddy's sneakers! ::

 

:: Chillin' on a park bench ::

 

:: Lainie absolutely glows when she is in a swing: the biggest grin, belly laughs--she just sparkles. Of course, when I stop the swing to get a non-blurry photo, she gets all serious. ::

 

:: What? You don't practice the splits after your baths? Why ever not? It's the perfect time--you're all warm and limbered up! ::

{ Five Minute Friday: Lonely }

I'm participating in Five Minute Friday again this week. Today's prompt: Lonely.

Go!

Mothering, it can be lonely work.

In the first year especially--that's all that I know from personal experience--so much of it is solitary. The nursing, the diaper changing, the rocking to sleep, the middle-of-the-night crying or feeding or seemingly endless soothing, the three-hour "please-go-to-sleep-tonight" marathons. The unseen hours of preparation for what used to be a mindless outing--grocery shopping, for example. The tummy time and the board books and the days at home stretching on endless because a little one needs her naps, but won't sleep unless she's in her own crib.

It's lonely. It's easy to fall into the trap of "it's easier to just stay at home, so I will." It's easy to think that you are the only one who feels like she's walking through waist-deep molasses as you mother a helpless little person.

I feel like I'm finally emerging from this phase, which was compounded by the fact that I'm quite the homebody and prefer quiet days at home anyway. But little girl no longer relies on her naps quite so much, and getting out isn't as draining a production as it was the first few months. I feel like I am tentatively venturing out into the realm of regular society again, only to realize that in a few short months I'll be starting the cycle all over again.

Only this time, I have the benefit of experience. Of knowing it doesn't have to be solitary. I think this time around, I'll choose a few more of those draining, exhausting, "why on earth did I ever leave home in the first place?!!" excursions. Because mamas don't need to be lonely.

{ #2 }

{ Five Minute Friday: Brave }

Linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday. This week's prompt: Brave.

Go.

It didn't seem brave at the time. It had been my plan/hope/goal/dream ever since deciding to pursue a college degree: One day, I'll get married and start having babies, and I will stay home with my babies. I want to. That's all I've ever wanted to do.

It was an easy choice then, and when I lost my job 18 months ago--a week before finding out I was pregnant with Lainie--the choice practically made itself. We've talked over the months, Mike and I, about whether or not I should keep up my continuing medical education credits {CMEs} and my professional certification, even while I'm a stay at home mom, "just in case." Just so I don't have to re-take the board exams if, by some disaster, I ever need to go back to work. But CMEs cost money, and maintaining my license is a couple hundred dollars a year, and neither of us WANT this. We both WANT me to stay home...so why spend so much time and money on a worst-case scenario?

But then I got the letter. And another. And finally a certified letter, hand-delivered by our mailman because it required my signature. Reminding me that I am no longer a registered sonographer, that I'm no longer current on my CMEs, that I'll have to re-take the board exams if I want to work as a sonographer again. They were clearly trying to make me think this is an awful, final, drastic, horrible choice I'm making.

And then I realized: I may not feel like this is brave, but maybe others do. Maybe me choosing to be a full-time mom looks brave to someone else, to a mom who is struggling with what choice to make, to a dad who is afraid to be the sole provider. Maybe being brave isn't always something you feel or know about yourself. Maybe sometimes you're brave in the eyes of another. Maybe sometimes someone else sees your bravery so they have the courage to do their own hard thing.

That's worth all the certified letters in the world.

Stop.

{ where I'm going from here }

A few weeks ago I told you why I haven't been posting as much recently. {Besides the obvious one--the almost-ten-month-old reason why I don't have time for a lot of things I used to do before she was born!} To all of you who read, thank you for listening to my heart. To those who responded, thank you for sharing your perspectives. {I replied to your comments in the comments section of that post.} It really, really helped me to see this from your viewpoints, helped me get outside the little ruts in my brain and think about it from another perspective. Thank you.

I'm not quitting blogging. It's the most realistic creative outlet I've got right now, I enjoy it, and honestly, I never intended to stop--I'm just re-aligning my parameters. {Realistic meaning I actually do it...it's not messy...no clean-up required...no supplies to shop for...doesn't cost anything...I can do it any time of day or night when I have access to a computer. I can spend five minutes or two hours. Blogging really is kind of the perfect "hobby" for mamas who are verbal and visual and feel overwhelmed every time they look at their bins of scrapbook supplies and think, Rats, I'm SIX YEARS BEHIND.}

So, yeah. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just maybe not going to post quite as much about Lainie. Mike and I have discussed it, and I think there is a balance to be found here. I don't want to go psycho and give our kids fake names and go out of my way to camouflage every personal detail that I possibly can. That's taking what started as a healthy desire to protect and turning it into a something ugly and burdensome and unnecessary. At the same time, I'm not going to glibly spill every single little adorable tidbit about her and us. {That would bore everyone except me and Mike, anyway.} There is a point where I need to stop being too serious and worrying about whether or not that photo I posted of Lainie at 2.5 months old is going to somehow ruin her life when she's in college. I think I'm working toward that point. ;-)

So here are some recent snapshots of Life with Lainie:

:: quite proud of what she can accomplish, given some chili and a little time ::

 

:: helping mama test batteries on tea lights for the Good Friday service ::

 

:: her standard pose after eating ::

 

This kid just gets cuter and cuter every day. Last Wednesday, the day before my birthday, she learned how to clap, and I'm pretty sure she thinks it is the coolest thing that has ever happened. When she starts clapping, she totally forgets whatever she was doing and gets a huge smile on her face. And if the people around her start clapping too? You should see her delight! I can't even believe she will be ten months old on Saturday. This weekend also marks one year since we found out that she had a diaphragmatic hernia. Yep, that just-for-fun 3D ultrasound was on the last Friday of April. Again, crazy--how has it been a year? That means it's been a year since we finished the childbirth class, a year since I was 30 weeks pregnant, a year since life suddenly jolted down a path we never, ever imagined.

 

Thank You, Jesus, for that path. Thank You for going before us down that path. Thank You that Your plans are so much bigger and better and more glorious than ours! And thank You for going before me down this blogging path...You know where it's going to lead so much better than I do.

{ Why I've been quiet }

It seems like every time I have the urge to write a blog post, life prevents me from doing so. There's a small girl who doesn't much care for mama being glued to the computer screen for long periods of time--well, for any amount of time at all, really, and I think she's utterly right--and when she's napping, there's dinner to make and bills to pay. By the time she falls asleep at night, my brain is wiped out. I've never been a night owl by choice, and regardless of how energetic I feel, after 8pm, my brain just doesn't work the way it does during daylight hours. {Wow, that was a lot of d's in a row.} Words don't just flow. I struggle to adequately express what's on my heart, let alone wax eloquent.

Apparently I wax best during the day...maybe y'all should consider yourselves lucky!

Part of the reason for my long pauses lately is because I'm re-evaluating just how much I want to share here. I've read a couple of blog posts lately that have made me re-think how much personal information I want to put out there, preserved indefinitely and in a completely public fashion, on the internets. Spurred on by this article, I'm trying to figure out how much of Lainie's life I want to put on this blog. I hadn't given a lot of thought to her future "online identity" and how what I'm sharing about her now may be tied to her as an adult...maybe forever. That's sobering; it's the nature of our current digital age, isn't it? A few weeks ago, I was going through my blog archives trying to remember what we've done on Easters past, and I came across a post I wrote three years ago, in which I talk about why I started blogging. The first reason I listed was "to better keep in touch with family and friends who don't live in the area." That's still true, but even if you're not paranoid about crazy people, publicizing too much information about yourself online may be dangerous. {I cannot tell you how much that lady's experience freaked me out!} And then there's the fact that I am now also responsible for how much info about a certain little lady gets put out there, and well...I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. I don't want to make this a private blog, but I also don't want blogging to be something I worry about. {As a side note: I was a lot funnier back in 2010. I'm all serious and businesslike and "here's the list of things I have to check off" nowadays...which I know I was like then, too, but boy! My posts were a lot funner to read!}

Fellow bloggers, why do you blog? Has the focus or purpose of your blogging changed over time?

Fellow mama bloggers, how do you find the balance of what and how much to share about your children? What are your boundaries?

{ tied up with string }

I had this nicely packaged post I was going to share with you, half written and saved as a draft. It went something like this:

I've been feeling guilty that I haven't served at church since Lainie was born, but after talking it over with my women's group ladies, I realized I'm largely motivated by pride and fear of man--I don't want people to think I'm lazy or not a "good Christian girl" because they don't see me serving in some capacity on Sundays. It's okay if my primary way of serving the church now is freeing up Mike {by taking care of Lainie at home} so he can serve on Sundays. I was still considering volunteering for midweek office stuff when Mike mentioned that he is thinking about hiring an assistant to help him with the work/business stuff he doesn't have time for, and I realized "Duh! I should use my time to serve Mike in that capacity!"

I'd pretty much wrapped it up and tied it with string, but dinner happened before I could hit publish. Over the chicken curry, I shared my musings with Mike. I think my closing comment was, "I used to think I like to serve behind-the-scenes, but really I don't. I like people to see me serving, but I don't want to talk to them." He was thoughtful, and after a few minutes, he gently told me that he thought I should still pray about serving in some capacity on Sundays, even if it isn't easy to do with an eight-month-old. He didn't discredit the value of what I'm already doing, but maybe I should still think about something beyond just freeing him up to serve.

I got angry. Really angry: The kind of quiet outrage that wants to lock itself in the bathroom and write Mike an eviscerating letter telling him why he's wrong about this. Mature, I know. After Lainie was down for the night I told Mike what I was feeling and we talked about it some more. It was good, but not in the sort of prettily-packaged-blog-post way I'd drafted earlier in the day. It was good because I usually avoid difficult conversations and stew in my own juices for days before readdressing issues {if I readdress them at all}. Good because we talked through the issue more thoroughly and better understand each other's hearts on this topic. Good because I'm thankful for my husband, not mad at him.

But I still don't know what I ought to do. Logistically there aren't a lot I of roles I can fill while holding/wearing an 18-pound baby. As it is, church already pushes her morning nap out by an hour or more; it's hard to imagine leaving home earlier {or getting home later} without complete meltdowns ensuing.

But just because it's hard doesn't mean I get a pass. Being a parent doesn't excuse me from "real life." As Mike said, Lainie needs to fit into our lives...our priorities didn't suddenly change now that we're a family of three. Implementation looks different, sure; but priorities are the same.

Right now that's it. I'm praying and still kind of grumpy, kind of not knowing what to do and feeling like either way it's not going to be easy.

But is easy my goal?

{ this + that }

Maybe you were hoping {dreading?} that this, my first "real" post since getting back from my trip, would be a delightfully longwinded and photo-heavy recap of our weeklong adventure in Idaho. But nay, it is not to be. Not today, anyway. There are a few hundred photos on my camera, waiting to be downloaded and edited...and that seems like a lot of work. So today let's talk about other things.

Liiiiiiiiiike...teeth! Lainie's first tooth popped through just before we went to Idaho, and two days ago its next-door neighbor showed up, too. We've been incredibly fortunate in the teething department so far: Her only "symptom" for the first tooth was crazy long naps. I'm serious. She slept that tooth through her gums! Second one, she woke up crying at night all.the.time {but only at night--not during naps}, to the point where she spent several nights snuggled next to me in our bed because that was the only way we could get her to sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. The child does snore, though, so regardless I haven't been sleeping much. I think I see the white nubbin of an upper tooth making its way down, so we may have more adventures coming up very soon.

Since our sleep was already all screwed up and disappeared, two nights ago I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to stop swaddling Miss E. I've been dreading this--putting it off for months--because I know that having her arms free to poke herself, knock out her binky, and in general wake herself up is going to be a nightmare. Stopping swaddling a baby who sleeps like a dream when swaddled flies in the face of the old adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." She ain't broke, but I knew that sooner or later we'd have to "fix" her. {Though I would've been fine with swaddling her till she's six years old if she'd let me...} And while "nightmare" might be a bit too strong a term, this whole sleeping unswaddled thing has definitely been rough. Yesterday she could not stay asleep for her afternoon nap. She was clearly exhausted and would fall asleep almost immediately when I picked her up, but she would wake herself up within minutes of me putting her in her crib. After two hours I gave up. I felt so bad for her: she looked so confused, tired, and frustrated. It was impossible to be upset with her...she so obviously wanted to sleep, but didn't know what to do with her newly-free hands. I kind of felt like a terrible mother at that point. The moral of the story is, I'm really thankful for what a good sleeper Lainie normally is, and am going to stop whining now.

By the way, is it just me being self-critical, or do I whine a lot about the tough parts of motherhood?? Honestly, tell me! Often I feel like my "mommy posts" are kind of whiny after I've written them. I don't mean them to be. I love my daughter, I love being a stay-at-home mom, and I want to be open and honest about both the joys and the challenges of this season. I start to question myself, though, when I compare myself to other mommy blogs. A lot of them seem so...cheery. Maybe it's just the blogs I frequent, but often I look at my blog and think, "Wow, I sure do complain a lot!" At the same time, I don't want to paint an unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood. So, do you think I'm a complainer? Or am I just keepin' it real?

K, I'm off to do things like make popcorn and knit and watch the second half of "Gone with the Wind." Why would I spend a perfectly beautiful, sunshiney Sunday afternoon inside? Because Mike is at work {thankyouverymuch, busy season at work...said no wife ever} and Lainie is napping--hallelujah!

{ Bare }

It's Five Minute Friday over at Tales of a Gypsy Mama, and I'm joining in!

~~~

 

I don't know what it is about exhaustion that makes me feel so exposed, so vulnerable--like my heart and soul are hanging naked in the public courtyard. Like all the worst parts of me are on display. Like sin I thought was being put to death by the Spirit is very much alive.

 

Today I can barely keep my eyes open. Between the little tooth shoving its way through Elaina's gums, and my decision {brilliant? insane?} to stop swaddling her since she's already not sleeping well--two birds with one stone, ya know--I haven't gotten much sleep lately. And yet, for some reason, this time around the soul-baring tiredness isn't so ugly.

 

This morning I rocked Lainie to sleep half a dozen times, nearly falling asleep myself. She kept pulling her pacifier out and then wailing in sorrow as she held it between her chubby fingers. And I relished it: the baby smell of her head, her little sleepy-snorey noises, the warmth of her hand rubbing my neck in her sleep. The bare-ness is good today: In it, I am knowing my Jesus and my daughter more deeply.

{ Finding Balance }

Every Christmas I struggle over how to keep my focus on Christ. It's so easy to get caught up in trying to do every Christmasy craft that catches my eye on Pinterest, baking and candymaking, parties and carols and so much bustle and clamor that I often arrive on December 25 feeling breathless...and ashamed. Realizing I have literally not spent any time thinking about the Incarnation or preparing my heart for Christmas. And then I get frustrated: Christmas is about Christ, and here I've been worrying about whether or not I made enough fudge, if it will be funky by that party, when are we going to put up lights, when to brave the mall to get that gift, etc.

As a married couple, Mike and I have tried to place a high priority on Jesus' incarnation instead of the materialism that seems to just explode this time of year. Now with a little one, we are continuing to be intentional about centering the Christmas season around Jesus. {Not having a TV and not going to the mall in December make it easy to miss a lot of the commercialism, but boy do I ever do an excellent job of coveting and comparing via the internet!} Mike and I also have a handful of nice Christmas traditions we've established, and as our family grows and changes, we want to continue incorporating them into the holiday season--as long as they remain meaningful and fun. We've been talking about our expectations and how activities and traditions will be different with a five-and-a-half month old baby in tow. Add to that the fact that Mike is very busy at work, so time and energy are precious commodities. Suffice it to say, turning my heart toward Jesus instead of "stuff" and molding our plans to fit around Lainie's needs has proven to be an exercise...but a rewarding one!

In spite of Thanksgiving being a week early, Advent still snuck up on me, and I found myself putting together our muffin tin Advent calendar on November 30th. In years past I've written a different little activity for us to do each day, ranging from "Buy festive lattes on the way to church" to "Put change in a Salvation Army bucket" to "Find mistletoe...xoxo." This year, I knew it would be stressful to have a daily "assignment." Instead, I wrote prompts for each day to help us remember the gifts Jesus has given us, like

 

A gift you can see

 

A gift you can taste

 

A gift that's alive

 

A gift that you didn't expect

It only takes a minute or two to read the day's prompt and share with each other specific gifts we're thankful for. I also sprinkled an activity in every few days, like having candy cane cocoa and burning a Christmas CD...things that are easy and we to want to do anyway.

Speaking of Christmas CDs, every year that we've been married, Mike and I have spent an evening perusing carols online {iTunes? Zune? I don't know} and taking turns picking 12 songs to burn onto a CD. This year's album is by far the most lackluster. I've listened to it a couple times, and it's like we didn't even try--it is boring, my friends. Boring. Probably because we were both hallucinatingly tired and juggling a wiggly baby between us. Better luck in 2013?

And speaking of Advent...I tend to be a legalistic nitwit about it: We have to do the readings daily, and if we miss a day, we must catch up. The reality for us this year is that many weekdays, we have very little time together. Mike leaves for work before I get up in the morning; he's super busy and sometimes has to work from home in the evenings. We are still trying to convince Lainie that her bedtime is before 10:30pm; so we frequently spend a couple hours each evening in that continual exercise of endurance, patience, and about-to-fall-off-the-cliff-of-insanity known as "putting the baby to bed." So we read our Advent devotional, Ann Voskamp's Jesse Tree Journey, together when we can, and I keep up with it during my quiet time. Just cuz we can't do it daily as a family doesn't mean we can't do it at all...or that I can't do it on my own.

A couple weeks ago we went to Wights, a local nursery/garden store that goes whole hog for Christmas, to buy The Ornament of 2012--another tradition. I wore Lainie in the Baby Bjorn, facing out, and I think she stuck her arms straight out like a happy octopus the entire time, trying to touch everything.

 

:: we both look frightened...charming. ::

And can I just say that after having a 12 pound baby in a Bjorn, I am sooooooo glad I spent the money to buy an Ergo--my shoulders were killing me after a few minutes, but I can wear her in the Ergo for hours without pain. Seriously, if you're gonna wear your baby, an ergonomically correct carrier is worth the money!!

And that's how we're trying to find balance this Christmas season. Trying to choose things that turn our hearts toward Jesus, bring us together as a family, and resist the pressure to make this just another commercialized spending extravaganza. Jesus gives us Himself. He is all we need.

{ on fear }

In my head, I do battle with SIDS daily.

I think that I have a great excuse for being freaked out that sudden infant death syndrome may sneak into our home: We've already been the ones with the perfectly healthy baby who is suddengly diagnosed with a serious anomaly on her second ultrasound. We've been the 1 in 400,000. We've drawn the short straw once already. Suddenly dangerously ill babies are no longer something that happens to "other people." That was us. Fear covers me like a cloak and I walk through my days and nights wondering when "it" is going to happen to us again...whatever sinister thing "it" may be.

I sneak into her room to check her breathing. Naps. Nighttime. Whenever she's asleep.

Often I get a little knot in the pit of my stomach when Mike leaves for work in the morning. What if Lainie doesn't wake up and I'm the only one here?

Last night Lainie just wouldn't fall asleep. She woke up every hour between 9pm and 1am, and then again at 4:15. One of those times, after I got her settled again and was thinking something along the
lines of "at least if she's crying I know she's alive," the Holy Spirit nudged me.

I think I'm protecting Lainie from SIDS. I put her to sleep on her back, with a pacifier. I try not to let her get overheated. I follow the recommendations.

And I pray for her. Every stinkin' time I put her down to sleep, I pray for protection from physical danger. {That's my code phrase for "SIDS" because I don't want to actually talk about it, say it, admit it--so I sort of wink at God when I say that and hope He knows what I mean.}

Somehow, I think that if I do all the "right things" and pray for her, that she will be okay.

The flip side is that I also think that she is one forgotten prayer away from...you know, "physical danger."

I had a crystal-clear mental picture of how I approach praying for Lainie's safety: God is a cosmic machine that's about to dispense SIDS, and as I pray I'm punching specific buttons in a certain order. As long as I punch the right buttons in the right order, Lainie escapes harm. Thus, I deceive myself into thinking I control Lainie's safety. The flip side, though, is that if I forget to pray--if I say the wrong words, or put them in the wrong order, or whatever--then it's my fault if something bad happens to her.

I was now quite awake and quite uncomfortable. Though I try to deny it, this is exactly what I'm doing. It's like chanting spells, or offering sacrifices, or following some hand-me-down superstitions to try to appease some capricious mythological god.

I remembered a conversation Mike and I had a day or two earlier, where I shared my irrational fear of there being an earthquake while he's at work and I'm stuck and can't get to Lainie. He said that whatever happens, earthquake or no earthquake, Jesus loves us and will take care of us. Jesus loves us just as much each day earthquake-free day as He does if and when there's an earthquake. An earthquake doesn't mean we are in more danger than when there is no earthquake; we are still loved and protected by Jesus, and if Jesus is who He says He is, we have nothing to fear. Earthquakes don't take Jesus by surprise. Neither do naps, or a mom who's too tired to mumble a prayer, or the mysterious list of unknown-but-possible-causes of SIDS. And Jesus is bigger than all those things--His love is bigger than any harm that can be caused by any earthquake. His love is bigger than SIDS. He loves Lainie more than I do, and whatever comes into her little life, it has to get through the hedge of His love around her first. A hedge that is completely independent of--and not reliant on--me praying.

I remembered this from an Elyse Fitzpatrick book I'm reading:

"We are loved by God, and we live in His world--not in a world of fate or luck or karma. Oh, glorious, shocking, transforming truth! We are loved by God! We belong to Him! No superstitions, no lists, no getting our act together to make Him love us. Simply believe."

 

And I realized: I'm not praying for Lainie because I believe God loves her. I'm praying for her like one who believes He doesn't love her. I'm believing lies, just like Eve in the garden...just like all our ancestors, I'm listening to the accuser instead of the Savior. It was--is--so shocking, so gut-wrenching to see how pervasive this lie is in my life. How often I choose to believe and act on lies instead of truth.

 

I've been mulling over this all day, between diaper changes and spit-up clean-up and washing dishes. Praying for Lainie feels so free now, like cramped wings taking flight after being bound for a long time. Ann Voskamp and others often speak of preaching the gospel to themselves, and I have always been a little tentative about that. What exactly do they mean? How do you do that, "preach the gospel to yourself"? Now I think I know. It's recognizing when I'm believing a lie and replacing it with Truth. It's asking the Holy Spirit to reveal truth to me and change my heart.

 

This is all very unfinished and mid-process, and I'd love to think it through some more before publishing this post. But my very-much-alive little girl is shrieking in the next room, and if I don't post this now it will be January before I can finish this train of thought!

 





{ It's November }

Late last week, my laptop keyboard was finally replaced, so now I have a computer and internet when Mike isn't home. The enforced technology fast made me realize how much time I fritter away on the computer when I should be doing other things. As inconvenient as it was to have to zip through checking my email and all the little blogs/sites I like to browse regularly--on Mike's laptop, in ten or fifteen minutes between putting Lainie down for the night and going to bed myself--it was also refreshing. I could just do life during the day. No getting sucked into the interwebs.

But I am really glad to be able to blog again, and download approximately 647 photos off of my camera.

I'm making a point of not saying anything about the elections. Political conversations make me want to crawl out of my skin. The End.

It's amazing how much I can accomplish when (a) I get up at a decent hour, and (b) I spend time with Jesus early in the day. Lately Lainie has been waking up twice at night to eat, instead of just once, which makes it sooooo easy to sleep in until she wakes up. This morning she woke up to eat at 6:30, and instead of going to bed after she fell asleep, I took a shower. Read Acts 10. Spent time with Jesus. Picked up clutter. Made this amazingly delicious Paleo jambalaya. Made this amazingly delicious Italian sausage/chard/lemon lasagna. And washed the dishes, all before Lainie woke up at 10:30. Yes, I am proud of myself. Note to self: pride is a sin...

Speaking of Lainie, Little Miss Boo has her first cold. She is really stuffed up and sneezes continually. She hates having her nose suctioned, which is unfortunate for both of us because I've done it at least half a dozen times already today. She's still happy and sweet as ever, even when she can barely breathe through her nose--poor baby!

Let's see. What else happened while I was away?

I got a haircut. Postpartum hair loss is brutal and two-foot-long brown hairs everywhere drove me bananas. I refuse to believe it's a "mom chop," because isn't the purpose of that so the baby can't grab your hair? Lainie can definitely still reach my hair. I unwrap strands from her fingers on an almost hourly basis.

 

:: before ::

 

:: after ::

 

As you can see, we also went on a date. Fancy dinner out with our friends Lisa and Daniel. It was nice to dress up, enjoy a great meal in a classy restaurant--I had pear and gorgonzola ravioli--and not worry too much about Lainie. I don't think a mama ever gets to the point where she doesn't worry at all, does she?

 

And yes, my skin is vampire white by nature.

 

In spite of the fact that I have made pie crust approximately once before in my life, I agreed to make four pies for Lisa and Daniel's wedding rehearsal dinner last week: Chocolate pecan, pumpkin, apple, and strawberry rhubarb. In spite of my gross lacl of pie-making experience, they turned out quite well.

 

 

Though Elaina is still a teensy weensy thing by any estimation, she has put on weight. Look at these photos of her getting a bath--the first one was taken on October 10, the second on November 2:

 

 

She's plumping out a little! :-)

 

Tempted as I am to ramble on, I probably don't have much time left before Lainie wakes from her nap, and I haven't brushed my teeth yet today. I'm gonna go do that. Later!





{ Look }

Look at you, all pretty in pink, fat little sausage toes and dimpled fingers and a gummy grin that splits my heart right open.

Look at you, less than four months old and over a thousand photos of you already sit in folders on my desktop, testimony to how you've won our hearts and become accustomed to the flash in your blue, blue eyes.

Look through those folders, and you'll see snuggles with Daddy; meeting grandparents, aunts and uncles; dozens of cute outfits; silly faces that make me laugh. But where am I?

In all that happy cacophony of baby pictures, I can think of two with me in them. And it makes me wonder: Someday, when you look back on your childhood, will you wonder where your mama was? I mean, you'll remember that I was there with you every day, but will you see it?

In my willingness to stay on the other side of the camera, will you know what I looked like during these exhausting months of new mommyhood? When you are a mama yourself, will you imagine you are the only one with crazy unkempt hair, stubborn pregnancy pounds, and a makeup-free face? Am I painting an unrealistic picture of motherhood for you, my daughter, by staying outside the frame?

It's so easy to do. But maybe today I'll wait for our little photoshoot 'til after Daddy gets home, and have him take a few snapshots of his girls. Together.

{ Nursery Tour }

Welcome to Elaina's room!

When you open the door, first you'll see this Beatrix Potter cross-stitch. A friend of my Mom's made it for Lainie. I love the baby mice lined up in their cradle!

 

Please excuse the tiny baby lying on the floor.

 

I *love* this room: the colors, the furniture, the huge window with an enormous tree right outside--it's my happy place!

The paint color is "Heavy Goose" from the Martha Stewart line at Home Depot. I am delighted with it; it's a pretty true grey, not too blue. The Jenny Lind crib is a $30 craigslist find. I made the curtains...iron-on hemming tape to the rescue.

Chelle made the quilt--it is so breathtaking!! I knitted the pink blanket. The pillows are from the living room and coordinate perfectly {don't worry, I take them out on the rare occasions that Lainie naps in her crib}. It's turning out to be quite convenient that I use so many of the same colors to decorate throughout our home. ;-) 

I swooned over that pink ombre material at Pacific Fabrics and decided to make the crib skirt--iron-on hemming tape again! The tiny chair is from a twice-yearly local vintage/antiques/craft fair. The little brown bear is my teddy bear, Retha. I got her the Christmas I was one year old.

The "You Are So Loved" print is from Katie Daisy's etsy shop, and was my springboard for the whole room. Originally I was going to hang a few paper lanterns in various shades of pink above the crib as a mobile. But Joanna made the "Welcome Elaina" banner for one of my baby showers, and I decided to use it instead. How often does a girl have a personalized welcome banner?!

I picked up the dresser at the same antiques/craft fair as the little chair. Love the color!! And it's the perfect size. The bin holding stuffed animals is a drinks bucket from Target's summer line; the teal basket holding diaper changing supplies is, too. I got the basket at Cost Plus World Market and use it for laundry. I wanted something non-cutesy, not babyish, and definitely not plastic and generic.

:: closeup of the dresser knobs--tiny gold pocketwatches! ::

When I got to the point of actually decorating the nursery, I had a little collection of things I wanted to put on the walls, but no idea how they would go together. Remember the cross-stitch Andrea made for me? Found the perfect teal frame at Target. The mirror and the knob-thingy are from the antiques fair. I made the "E" using leftover fabric from the crib skirt; the hook is from Pier One {I bought it a couple years ago}. 

Do you think Lainie has enough headbands? I don't want her to feel deprived.

When we had the get-together with Anna's and Chelle's families back in March, they threw me a little baby shower. Chelle made a couple buntings and sent them home with me. Now, one lives above the closet doors; the other is above the window {you can see a bit of it in the second photo in this post}. They add a sweet touch of whimsy--perfect little finishing touches!

This is the other side of the room. The dresser is full of Mike's stuff. The roll-top desk is full of my stuff.

One day very soon after we got home from the hospital, we realized we were in dire need of big muslin blankets for swaddling...and a bunch of other things from Babies 'R' Us. Mike stopped by on his way home from work--this may or may not have been the trip where I also sent him to Motherhood Maternity to buy nursing bras {poor man!}--and I liked how the blankets were packaged, all rolled up. So I started storing all of Lainie's blankets rolled up in a basket.

 

:: jar of rose petals, jug of pretty marbles, pot of moss, bird figurine--all from "shopping the house" ::

 

:: part of Baby Bug's extensive shoe collection ::

 

I saved this page from a Susan Branch calendar, hoping it would work in a nursery someday. I'm not crazy about the bright red frame; maybe I'll paint it if I'm ever bored.

 

There are a couple other things I haven't put up yet {a lovely "E" print from Andrea and a birthday cross-stitch from my Mom}, but with all the house-hunting hullaballoo they may not go up 'til our new house. So there you have it! Lainie's room. It's a sweet little spot for one sweet little girl. I hope you enjoyed the tour!