{ tied up with string }

I had this nicely packaged post I was going to share with you, half written and saved as a draft. It went something like this:

I've been feeling guilty that I haven't served at church since Lainie was born, but after talking it over with my women's group ladies, I realized I'm largely motivated by pride and fear of man--I don't want people to think I'm lazy or not a "good Christian girl" because they don't see me serving in some capacity on Sundays. It's okay if my primary way of serving the church now is freeing up Mike {by taking care of Lainie at home} so he can serve on Sundays. I was still considering volunteering for midweek office stuff when Mike mentioned that he is thinking about hiring an assistant to help him with the work/business stuff he doesn't have time for, and I realized "Duh! I should use my time to serve Mike in that capacity!"

I'd pretty much wrapped it up and tied it with string, but dinner happened before I could hit publish. Over the chicken curry, I shared my musings with Mike. I think my closing comment was, "I used to think I like to serve behind-the-scenes, but really I don't. I like people to see me serving, but I don't want to talk to them." He was thoughtful, and after a few minutes, he gently told me that he thought I should still pray about serving in some capacity on Sundays, even if it isn't easy to do with an eight-month-old. He didn't discredit the value of what I'm already doing, but maybe I should still think about something beyond just freeing him up to serve.

I got angry. Really angry: The kind of quiet outrage that wants to lock itself in the bathroom and write Mike an eviscerating letter telling him why he's wrong about this. Mature, I know. After Lainie was down for the night I told Mike what I was feeling and we talked about it some more. It was good, but not in the sort of prettily-packaged-blog-post way I'd drafted earlier in the day. It was good because I usually avoid difficult conversations and stew in my own juices for days before readdressing issues {if I readdress them at all}. Good because we talked through the issue more thoroughly and better understand each other's hearts on this topic. Good because I'm thankful for my husband, not mad at him.

But I still don't know what I ought to do. Logistically there aren't a lot I of roles I can fill while holding/wearing an 18-pound baby. As it is, church already pushes her morning nap out by an hour or more; it's hard to imagine leaving home earlier {or getting home later} without complete meltdowns ensuing.

But just because it's hard doesn't mean I get a pass. Being a parent doesn't excuse me from "real life." As Mike said, Lainie needs to fit into our lives...our priorities didn't suddenly change now that we're a family of three. Implementation looks different, sure; but priorities are the same.

Right now that's it. I'm praying and still kind of grumpy, kind of not knowing what to do and feeling like either way it's not going to be easy.

But is easy my goal?