Wednesday, April 20, 2011

{ These Days }


It's not a state of mind that comes naturally to me.

I worry.

I fret.

Truth be told, I freak out.

I am speechless at the peace that pervades these days.

When I look at our circumstances, what surrounds us, the uncertainty lapping about our feet with every step, it makes no sense that Husband and I have peace. But we do. Peace that passes understanding.

I usually find comfort and security in control--which is really just the illusion of control.

That illusion has been shattered so often lately. Everything from:

:: Husband's two jobs requiring 14+ hours {minimum} per day, six days per week

:: Uncertainty regarding what will happen when Husband's contract ends in a few weeks: little hope is offered for a renewal, and we have no job leads

:: lots of changes {new hospital building, coworkers moving and multiple maternity leaves, a new intern} + increased workload at work, with no new "normal" on the horizon

:: broken car window + two stolen laptops

:: large, unexpected expenses as a result of the above

:: hopes and dreams for stability and a solid timeline for me leaving the workforce are still just hopes and dreams, not reality

:: feeling helpless to help Husband, or in any way change the current state of affairs

:: a doctor visit revealing that Husband's wrist, which has been bothering him for nearly a year, may actually be broken...he's seeing an orthopedic specialist on Friday and then we'll know for sure

Yet the shattering of illusion hasn't broken us. We speak of this often, how we are both surprised that we aren't freaked out by the uncertainty and lack-of-control that colors our immediate future so heavily. We're both type A personalities, control freaks, planners. Yet we feel securely cupped in the hands of a loving God, who fashions our unknown-to-us tomorrows with tenderest care. We speak of how we're in a long, dark tunnel. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is getting closer. But it's still so easy to pin my hopes on the future and neglect to fully live today. It's so easy to focus on just getting through this season, to spend my emotional energy hoping this season is almost over, rather than seeing today as a gift from Jesus. All of today.

If you have a moment, would you lift us up in prayer? I'm going to be honest: This is rough. Watching the man I love work harder than I can imagine. Waking up when he crawls into bed between 11pm and 3am most nights, knowing he has to get up and do it all over again in a few hours. We could use prayer for strength, patience, hope, and joy. For a job that utilizes Husband's skills and that he enjoys. For good communication and a strong marriage in spite of how little time we have together.

Thank you, friends. I hope this doesn't sound like whining.  I'm not complaining. My hope for this post is twofold: A testimony to God's goodness and grace, and an honest glimpse of where I am right now...which isn't "easy," but it's real.

And that's what I'm up to these days.


  1. Oh, you poor dear! I will be praying for you every morning this week. Praying specifically for peace of mind for you both, for God's provision in your lives and for an extra blessing on the limited time you get to spend together. Hang in there and know that God sees the bigger picture! Xoxo!

  2. Praying all of the above for you friend! So thankful for that 'peace that passes all understanding' and praying it continues for you both. Thanks for sharing your heart and being 'real' :)
    ~Ecclesiasties 3:1-15~

  3. You and I are so much alike. I like my ducks in a row, I like a bit of cush in the bank account, I like to know what tomorrow holds, but I serve a God so much bigger than myself and my pathetic little day planner. He reminds me often that He wants me. All of me. He wants me to let go of any plans I have for myself, so He has the opportunity to COMPLETELY blow my mind. And He does, often.
    Ps 34:18 "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
    Keep your head up, Nikki! Hugs and prayers! ~T

  4. Thank you, sweet ladies all, for your encouraging words + prayers. It's such a lifter-of-spirits just to know we're not alone in this; that there are sisters in Christ who care, and that we most certainly aren't the first or only people to go through a little valley. I say "little," because I'm sure in the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal!!